' 'splorin' muh heritage ' : The Travellings of an Ignorant American

"No!" you say. "Aaaah!" you scream. "What could have happened to the Order of the Blue Square?" you ask. Could BlogSpot have realized its impetuous content and denied further postings on its website? Could the infamous Blue Square writer behind the mysteries of the Order have been kidnapped—or—even better worse—killed?

Nah, I’ve just been on vacation. I’ve tried to find cheap Internet access before now, but, seeing as I’m going to get on the Internet now for a price, I thought I would go ahead and inform the world of my travellings. As an ignorant American, I have learned much, I assure you.
Even though we were going to Britain and Ireland, the places from where I take my proud, white, European-American roots, we took a Lufthansa flight to Germany for some reason.

OK, this is weird. There’s some alarm going off in the airport in Dublin. No one is leaving, even though it’s really loud. Maybe this happens often her? I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t seem to be in any imminent danger, so whatever.

So, I grabbed a free die Zeit issue. It’s a German-language national newspaper that is kind of like the Washington Times—actually, the New York Times. It’s really liberal. They even had an issue in their business section with a subhead that the U.S. is always making new regulations against the freedom for Mexicans to move to our country, which is, of course, not true. I wish it were true, but it’s not.

Now this guy on the P.A. said that they were investigating the alarms. Probably some kid felt like hitting the big red button. It’s the fire alarm, but... again, no one’s running anywhere. Anyway.

So, on German flights—and apparently even in Germany itself—they don’t put ice in their water or Coke! Isn’t that odd? Strange. In America, the land of the free and all, we like ice in our water, so I was very scared to learn that the Nazis didn’t. Yet another reason to distrust them: they kill Jews and they don’t put ice in their water. (Actually, I heard that the whole Nazi deal is a thing of the past and most Germans were, and are, quite nice, but whatever.)

OK, the alarms finally went off. Now I can concentrate.

Having no sufficiently cold drinks and no reasonably accurate newspapers to read, I reached for my PDA to listen to some much-more-accurate IMAO podcasts... but alas! I had already deleted them. Lesson learned: whenever flying to Europe, have IMAO podcasts on hand just to maintain your sanity.

When we got to the German airport, the German urinals in the men’s restroom acted oddly. I had been on a 7-hour flight and hadn’t utilized the facilities there, so I had a full bladder. Strangely, though, as I, er, released my burden, the urinal sucked it down! It didn’t even wait for me to finish. I felt somehow... indirectly violated.

The German’s customs weren’t difficult to go through at all, but the British were quite interrogative. They asked why we were there, how long we were going to be staying... obviously all irrelevant questions. All they need to ask is "Are you Muslim?" and, in case they lie, "What do you think of when I say the word, ‘Jew’?"

My father had a Hertz gold club membership, but apparently, they only accept it in the U.S. and don’t in the U.K. How ridiculous is that? If he’s special in the U.S., he should be special anywhere. They didn’t even have a car ready for him when they should have.

As one British guy who had the same problem said, "The whole point of having it pre-allocated is that it’s already there when you get there. And if it’s not, you get ticked off!" Amen to that. Oh, and a side lesson: apparently, they don’t say "pre-registered," they say, "pre-allocated." I’m not sure why, but obviously, "pre-registered" is a better phrase to use because... um... it’s an American phrase.

Once we finally got on the road, we had to drive on the left side! More evidence of liberal Europe, I’m telling you. It’s very confusing, but luckily, it felt a little bit like home, since the drivers in the right lane were the fast ones and you go slow in the left lane. You just have to reverse your thinking a bit, which is hard for an American.

Random fact about France: they’re poor. Evidence: a traditional Austrian hat my sister bought in, guess where, Austria, said "made in France." Reminded me of China. Except at least China has a decent defense system, even if they are communist. France is poor, socialist, and couldn’t win a war against an ameoba. So if you believe the evolutionists, I guess that would make our evolutionary chain be French people to ameobas and then on up to monkeys and humans.

I saw this Jesus sign in the subway. I would’ve taken a picture of it to show you below, but I didn’t have the time, and the stupid trains, much less important than myself, got in the way. Anyway, it said all the nice stuff that Jesus could do for you like save you from your sins and such. It was really cool.

Speaking of which, on the subway, they have little spots in the halls designated for beggars and street musicians. Even if they’re not so socialist as to lay off some losers, they still feel that they have to give the homeless a place to beg. Oh well. I guess not everyone can be as coldhearted as America.

And when you wait in line in Britain, they call it a "queue." At least, I think that’s how it’s called. I’m typing this up before I log on to the Internet to save money; otherwise, I’d look it up. Anyway, yes, it’s very confusing for us holier-than-thou Americans who think that you should use our words to talk to us. And besides, doesn’t "line" make more sense than "cue" or whatever? You use cues to play pool. You use lines to draw things or wait for stuff.

And in some restrooms, not only is there a queue, but you have to pay to go there, too! Paying to go to the restroom. Absurd. Next thing you know, they’ll make us pay for the air we breathe. I tried to find a suitable tree to be frugal, but my family didn’t think that was a good idea and thought bail would cost more than the restroom.

Paying to go potty, I might understand. But get this: for the really important churches, at least, they make you pay to go there, too! I guess that’s because Britain is now almost entirely secular and agnostic and such, excepting the Jesus sign I mentioned earlier, so those big churches (that have lots of really loud, annoying bells and memorials and tombs galore, by the way) need to get money from you by making it cost to visit them.

Below are most of the pictures that I thought my linearly increasing number of readers (that would be m=0 in standard slope-form notation) would like to see—as always, helpfully labeled whenever necessary, because I wouldn’t want them to have to think on their own. That would be scary; they might even turn into Europeans. That’s why I don’t have any pictures of the many castles that still exist in Britain and Ireland that represent the monarchy. You might get the wrong idea, see, and think that monarchies are good things. I assure you, they are not. That’s why I applaud the Irish for being the Republic of Ireland. Like green shamrocks and getting drunk beyond belief? Then become a Republican! Yay for no monarchy in the U.S.! Stupid castles. Seriously, there’s this one in Blarney called, you guessed it, Blarney Castle, that has an appropriately named... Blarney Stone! And supposedly, if you kiss this stone—which is really hard to do, and there’s this strange old man holding you while you lie on your back, and, yeah, suffice it to say, I didn’t do it—then you’re given "the gift of eloquence." Now give me a break. Even if this did work, I wouldn’t need it, because God already made me eloquent. As you can see from the above. Now, time is running short, so I can't show you all of the pictures now, but here's a sampling: