Why We Need Immigration Reform

An official, Bush-administration-endorsed editorial in response to Frank J.'s whining.

There has been a political furor recently over undocumented Mexican immigration. Some citizens may be wondering aloud, "Why hasn't there been anything substantive done in the past?" and "Why is everyone just getting mad again about this now?" These citizens need to lighten up a bit and realize that whatever Bush says is important is important at that moment, but if he forgets about it or doesn't get anything done for a little while - say, 5 or 6 years - hey, that's your problem. Who told you that you could talk, anyway? Foolish, totally irrelevant blogger.

Regardless, our President has now decided that immigration reform is important enough to give a speech on it to the nation. It wasn't important a few months ago, when everybody wasn't quite as angry. Now, they are, and it is. Not that we're suggesting those two things have anything to do with each other or are correlated in any way, of course.

To summarize, since el Bush-o now thinks immigration reform is super-important, it now is. Now, on to the proposed solutions that will have an immediate and permanent impact on the problem by, perhaps, next November, give or take a few decades.

We will be adding a few National Guard troops to the border soon, if Congress does what we want it to. If it doesn't, it's its fault, not ours, thank you very much, SarahK. Man, those IMAO bloggers need to let off on the hostility, seriously. We're Republicans, remember? We're the good guys. Always. And forever. No questions asked. Period, end of sentence.

Another of our detailed, effective solutions that those gridlocked legislators need to get a move on is making it so that those poor, undocumented workers who just want to go north to find an economy that's capable of having some of its strength sucked out from under it without toppling so they can feed their starving children. Some in Congress are nativists, and nativism is bad. Therefore, we must give up all hope of sending those (poor, starving, hard-working) undocumented workers back and instead let them live here for pretty much however long they want.

It's not going to be amnesty, though, because amnesty is bad, too. Our proposed solution of slightly-less-than-amnesty is kind of like political margarine that's pretty much just as fattening anyway, but yet, you "Can't Believe It's Not Amnesty!" Obviously, our bold and daring President Bush is on the forefront of political tactics in the new millenium by his use of the method of giving liberals what they want but steaddastly refusing to use their terminology while doing so. All you old-fashioned, disenheartened conservatives just need to learn to get with it.

Finally, some irresponsibly irrelevant bloggers, such as Frank J. in the post cited at the top of this article, have suggested eliminating borders in the world altogether and making the world one America. While I admit that this would save money from our perhaps slightly overwhelmed federal budget by eliminating the need for several departments and agencies involved in diplomacy and defense, eliminating borders is simply not the American way. Instead, we here in America like to have imaginary borders that waste money and time by pretending to enforce them and taking strong diplomatic stances against other nations who threaten our very way of life. It's been the U.S. policy since the Cold War, for crying out loud. Get over it.

In conclusion, Bush is right, and you're wrong. No matter how liberal you think he is, he's just being a compassionate conservative who happens to spend a lot while cutting taxes and not get anything out of it. That's different than a tax-and-spend liberal, who admits he spends a lot and gets nothing out of it. There's a difference here, you irrelevant bloggers. Know the difference, and vote Republican this November.