Tenets of the Square VIII

Whereas the Blue Square is, in fact, the ruler of the universe;

Whereas he does what he wants;

Whereas you all are a bunch of no-good, lying, scheming, nonexistent, pathetic bunch of losers who disgrace the noun "reader";

These are some more of my tenets.


22. It is hereby impossible to think too much. Thinking is for squares. Since squares, especially blue squares, are cool, thinking is for cool people! Sorry, JT, but I like thinking a lot about incessantly random and stupid things, and nothing will ever change that. Thinking also helps a lot with destructive plans such as conquering the world, sucking up the universe with a Mega-Ton Crazy Made-Up Contraption Ultra-Super-Duty Universe Sucker-Upper 3600, and figuring out exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop based on tongue size, saliva-producing capabilities, and percent error in Tootsie-pop manufacuring designs. Seriously, didn't those idiots who made the commercials ever consider the possibility that some people's tongues could be bigger, and the size of a Tootsie pop could vary, at least a little bit? So, as evidenced by the above rant, thinking too much is impossible, and thinking is for cool people, like blue squares. End of story.

23. Smiting hippies doesn't get you anywhere. I tried it once. It didn't go so well. Sorry, fmragtops, but you'll have to think of a more unique suggestion before you become an honorary member of the Order. In place of smiting, hippies shall receive rappings on the head with cardboard tubing.

24. Pomp and ceremony is one of the most ridiculous things on this planet Earth. I despite it. I hate it with a passion. It can burn, I say, burn! Seeing as it is an abstract concept and is not nearly tangible enough to burn in reality, someone will have to come up with a plan for how to burn abstract concepts. This may seem like an impossible, but hey, if X-Men can come out and say people can control magnetic fields with their minds, make endless copies of themselves, or pop in and out of thin air, then I should be able to burn abstract concepts such as pomp and ceremony. And if you are one of those incessantly cutesy, formalized, horribly misguided souls who thinks that any formal organization whatsoever is possibly a a good thing in this universe or any other, I say, death to you! Er, actually, if I got my wish, everybody else would be dead, since no one hates pomp and ceremony as much as I do, and I would be an Islamicist, since they say "Death to you, American!" a lot. And in order for me to be a bona fide Muslim terrorist, I need to convert to Islam, and I hear that takes three witnesses. Said witnesses probably have to be alive, too. So, never mind. No death to you who like pomp and ceremony. Just please, please, let me get through life without any more of your ridiculously unnecessary idiocies.


Please make suggestions for future Tenets in the comments. (Comments are fun! You comment now.) I will carefully consider each, and those whose suggestions I actually take will receive an honorary membership in the Order. What that entails, I won't say, but what I can say is that it doesn't involve cash prizes, guest-blogging, or anything else worthwhile besides a minor ego boost.

On the permalink for this post, you will find a list of all the Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square before this one. They come in sets of threes, if you haven't noticed, and I make a new set whenever I feel like it.



Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square I
Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square II
Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square III
Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square IV
Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square V
Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square VI
Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square VII